Please note the author has never actually met any of the candidates and the following information, and events described therein came from a dream after eating way too many Chilli & Cheese Fritos and watching Fox News and MSNBC for more than 24 hours straight.


Mike Gravel

Senator Gravel met me by one of the main terminals on the Alaskan Pipeline where he treated me to a six hour monologue about how he and Spiro Agnew had made the pipe-line possible and how if it wasn't for him we'd all be living in solar powered caves and eating raw fish like the Japanese. When I attempted to tell him that the Japanese didn't live in caves he grabbed me by the collar and asked if I was one of those Holocaust deniers who had been sending all those darn mailers to his house. After thoroughly convincing him that I had nothing to do with that he assured me that America was in fact ready for a President who had declared bankruptcy and anybody who said differently was clearly a bigot of some sort. I said I wasn't so sure and he replied "well lets see what the polar bears have to say about that" and promptly drove off in a sporty red snow mobile with vanity tags that spelled out "win n 08."      

 
Dennis Kucinich

in 1979 Kucinich was 31 years old and the Mayor of Cleveland. In fact he was the youngest Mayor in the country and was often referred to as "the boy Mayor." An informal title he has kept over the years and still allows close associates(like Shirley McClane) to call him in private.  Rep. Kucinich is a true progressive and he tried to explain to me his many plans for government including his 12 point plan for Iraq but frankly I just couldn't get past the whole Vegan thing. I asked him if it was true that he doesn't eat any meat or anything with meat by products and he said "No. All life is sacred." I then asked him if he considered plants life sacred to which he explained "he would not hesitate to murder, skin, and eat as much broccoli as he could get his hands on."  I asked him what brought about this change in his diet and lifestyle to wit he directly said "my wife won't kiss me if I have hamburger on my breath." He then adjourned our meeting as he had yet another "fool proof plan" to impeach Vice President Cheney.

Joe Biden

Joe Biden is like the uncle who comes over to your house, eats all your peanut butter, tells a few ribald jokes, and leaves dishes in the sink. You love him to death but you wish he'd go away, and go away quietly. This never happens. Joe is also one of those guys who loves to tell you about how he was right and others were wrong, wrong, wrong. Now don't misunderstnd me,  Joe has mucho experience but often times he uses his powers for evil and not for good. Joe sat me down and led me through a complex flow chart he had designed on a I-Hop napkin that according to him conclusively proved that Dick Cheney not only was behind ever major conspiracy in the last thirty years but that the VP also was the leader of an international oil cabal that smuggled infants from Africa and used them in boutique bio fuels. When I pressed him for evidence he called me a neocon stooge and stole my pen.   

Bill Richardson

Did you know that Bill Richardson has been nominated five times for the nobel peace prize? Did you also know he was Hispanic? Well apparently I'm not the only one in the dark about Bill's credentials cause the Nobel special interest lobby threw their support to Gore this year and the La Raza refuses to acknowledge his ethnic background on the grounds that he has never eaten at a Taco Bell. when I asked him  about the Wen Ho Lee scandal he simply replied "all roads in China lead to Bill Clinton." When asked what he meant by that he stated it was something he had read in a fortune cookie and that it sounded good.

Chris Dodd

I like Dodd's hair. It is so white it defies description. In fact I was so mesmerized by its shiny glow that I found myself donating a hundred dollars to his campaign. Dodd is a fighter and to prove it he showed me a clip of him on "The O'Reilly Factor" duking it out with Bill-O over the Daily-Kos controversy. It was a glorious three minutes of two grown men losing their respective cools and calling each other propagandists and traitors. Truly awe inspiring. Dodd even showed me the unedited director's cut where he and Bill-O stripped down to the waist, drew out bowie knives and proceed to have a good old "Mississippi Mudbank Razor Row." If you look closely at the Fox pundit you can see where Dodd cleaved his face completely off-you really need an HDTV to see what I am talking about. Bill-O has swore vengeance and has been "swift-boating" him ever since.

John Edwards

Edwards sure is a handsome man. And I am not a homosexual, nor do I have any tendencies of that nature. I just don't want the guy hanging out near or with my girlfriend. Sure I feel threatened. I'm not a lawyer with money to burn and a slick populist message. Liberal chicks go ga-ga over that kind of stuff. My parents seem to like this guy which to me is an automatic reason not to like him. I met Edwards at night behind an un-named corporate headquarters where he was pouring gasoline into an air vent while explaining that big business was the enemy of the little guy and the small business owner. He then asked if I had seen the movie "Fight Club" and went on to explain that it was indeed his favorite film and that he personally just couldn't get enough of "that rascal Brad Pitt." We then went back to his sprawling antebellum estate where he treated me to a sixer of PBR and some pigs in a blanket his wife had made the day before. "Sure I may be rich he said, but I like the simple pleasures in life." Afterwards we hopped onto his private jet, flew to Atlantic City and proceeded to blow two million dollars at the craps table. 

Barack Obama

Barack's politics of hope has a nice ring to it; but you and I both know that something is up with this guy. I aimed to find out and met him at low key diner in the south side of chicago that used to be run by the notorious Vice Lords. Barack spoke of uniting people and bridging  the gaps between the two parties and how we all needed to stand to together. He spoke of unity, peace, and the love of his fellow Americans. That's when it  hit me; this guy had a gigantic set of ears. I mean, he got Vulcan ears. No, seriously, if you squint at him you'll see he looks just like Tuvok from Deep Space Nine. I decided to test my hypothesis by asking him if the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few or the one. Instead of answered me he gave me a Vulcan nerve pinch and I woke up just over the state line in an Indiana cornfield with a searing headache.

Hillary Clinton

After a thorough vetting I was allowed three minutes with Hillary at notorious Clinton HQ Bunker number thirteen.
Six humiliating strip searches later I got my audience  and presented my questions which were promptly thrown out, re-written, and answered by a talking point spewing robot called the Hillary Mk V. The Hillary Mk V stands four meters tall and sports a pair of huge clawed hands capable of rending most conservatives to shreds in matter of minutes. Was I afraid? You bet. Luckily James Carville was there and assured me that a good plate of gumbo poured into the mechanical politician's eye sockets would keep the thing at bay. He then took me down to the cigar room where Bill was in the process  of hand rolling a few stoggies with tobacco smuggled in by cuban refugees who promised to vote democrat.   

Well there you have it. 08 looks to be a fun year for all.